I could see him.

He stood there, over the bridge, all quiet, calm and alone.

I sat on the bench observing him in silence, as the breezy night began to elevate.

It was cold, the weather, and I loved it like this.

It was just him and me there.

I had never seen him here before, considering that, I have been here since past 20 years.

He looked young. Maybe in his teens.

He had his fist clutched tightly.

I wondered what he was doing there all alone so late after hours of darkness.

I could see his face rather clearly, even though the dim streetlight was flickering every now and then.

He seemed to be sad. I could sense it. Don’t know why, but somehow I could feel why he was there.

He was crying. The gleaming of the tears on his cheeks was hard to miss. It was quite depressing to see him like that.

He opened his clenched fist to reveal something that looked somewhat like a balled up sheet of paper. He removed a pen from the chest pocket of his shirt and began scribbling something on the paper.

Now, my doubts culminated into fact.

I knew why he was there.

He came there to search death.

He removed a small plastic zip pouch from his pocket and placed the now carefully folded piece of paper in it. He put it back in his shirt pocket.

He kept trying to bring himself to do it.

I could see that he was in two minds.

Here, I wanted to go and help him out, help him come out of it, debarring him from taking such a step, but somehow, I do not know why, I kept holding back.

I wanted to see what was to happen next. I hated myself for it.

He held the rim of the bridge tightly.

Tears coming out liberally from his eyes.

And suddenly he broke into a smile.

I could feel what was running through his head maybe.

Perhaps he was thinking about the joy when his father first brought him a toy car. Perhaps about, when his mother cooked his favorite dish after he came exhausted from school. Maybe he was thinking about the gleeful moments he spent with his friends.

Nevertheless, the grimness of the circumstances created such an impact on him, that maybe all these memories could not help him escape from it.

I could feel and sense the dilemma he was in. I could relate to his sadness, his smiling amidst all of this.

I could now see him take a leap across the railings of the bridge. He was preparing to jump. He could hear the sudden burst of sob from his heart.

He didn’t want to do it. I could sense it all.

As he prepared to jump, I could feel myself moving in his direction. I do not know why, but I knew why doing this wouldn’t help him.

I reached behind him, with me facing his back.

Maybe he didn’t realize I was behind him.

I called out to him.

He paid no heed.

Next, I tried tapping on his back.

As I went to tap him, my hand passed through his shoulder as if he never existed.

Why did that happen, was this a dream. I tried doing it again. The fate was the same. I tried pinching myself as to realize if this was a dream, but I could feel the sharp pain of the pinch on my hand.

I didn’t know why was this happening. I tried feeling myself. I moved my hands through my hands and legs. Something felt my hand when I moved it across my trousers.

What was it?

I brought what I felt in my pocket into my vision.

It was a piece of an old, crinkled piece of paper, all balled up.

I opened it and it read-

                      

                       ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                                                                                                12^th February 1980

I am sorry dad and mum, bhai and Dev da.

I never meant to do this.

I love you and always will.

In your memories.

                                        - Shekhar

                      ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I could feel myself sad, but still smiling.

20 years back, I had done it. Done what this boy was taking so long to do. I was in the very same position as this boy today.

Amidst all these chaotic thoughts of mine, I heard a splash.

I looked in the front.

The boy was no longer there.

Even though I was no longer a life, still I felt a piercingly painful emotion.

Why didn’t I stop him?

I had achieved nothing out of this, 20 years back. Nothing but the guilt that, I shunned away from the situations like a coward. Left nothing, but the people I loved the most, in deep grief.

Suddenly I felt a tap on my back. It was the boy, smiling at me.

I felt like slapping him hard for what he had just done.

Still, I stood there staring at him, responding to the smile with mine.

                    The breezy night continued its journey, just that now I had someone with me, maybe now a companion to enjoy this cold space with….

“You don’t get inspiration,

you have to find it!!”

That’s exactly what happened to me. Reading the blogs of one of my closest friends made me feel such an immature writer. I just felt so small that I thought that either I should stop reading her blogs or give up writing all together .But just yesterday, I went through my Blog Statistics and was really astonished to discover that 110 people across the globe [excluding my friends, whose inclusion in the list would shoot it up to 121] actually read the ludicrous stuff I wrote!. Agreed that the count is too diminutive to flatter about , but still it has given me enough inspiration to not take defeat so early, and perhaps gather my mind to get better at this!!

          

                                                    PERCEPTIONS

It actually takes a lot of efforts to whip your brains to write a blog (and I actually appreciate the people who do all this with so much of ease). Invent Topics, invent content.  I am quite an incoherent writer. I never bond with the norms and always have scattered writings, instead of the usual “stick to the point”, That’s one reason to justify the fact that I am still an immature writer.

Immature in not the professional sense, but in the content I write and the topics I usually choose. I somehow can’t hold myself together and write a wordy blog on topics I usually have a little knowledge about. I can emote better than I can write and for that reason my explanation through speech is much less ambiguous than my writing.I am not too much of a thinker to be writing on intellectual stuff , and that’s why it makes me come up of a topic that is so relatable to all of us.

                                         Perceptions. Perceptions about what?. About Life? Or about People??? Maybe its an amalgamation of everything. Everything that we think ,observe and rationalize about. Okay lets start with this. In my own class there are people who might be having holy lot of perceptions about me. Some think I am a scholar. Some think maybe I am too shy, reserved and quiet. Some think I am arrogant, snooty and very over smart (which I am definitely not!!). There maybe a question that , perhaps its me also who is just perceiving that people think so about me. Answer to which is , that I have asked certain NOW good friends of mine, about what they thought of me when they  first saw me??. And quite surprisingly these were some of the answers which I got. Its maybe that I am just too involved and pre-occupied with myself , that I often don’t think as to what I am projecting myself to be and maybe I need to change this habit of mine. But trust me I am none of those qualities that people entitle me to  in their mind!!. I agree I might be a bit reserved ( and lets give some benefit to me on that point, considering the fact that all of us have our own cons!!)In my case it’s just that the other person has to make a tad bit more effort to be my friend. And I guess it’s high time I change that, considering the fact that I am no king and I am not entitled to any such selfish importance!.

                                       Okay enough about me. But that’s perhaps the case with many people today. Even I have perceived certain people to be of some kind, but now it’s a passé . I definitely don’t judge people now and I guess it’s definitely wrong to tag people if you don’t know them too well. I feel bad when it happens to me , so would the other person. Cases just don’t rest on people alone. We form judgments and opinions on many other things in life. Be it movies, books ,academics etc. I too had a perception that Engineering is too difficult and it is actually tough time completing it . But it’s not the case anymore. I guess its just that it’s only the time constraint. Still that doesn’t mean I am not free of a  K.T!

It’s something that get’s the most superfluous attention of ours!!

                                        People form opinions too soon. I have come across people who think a certain section of the society to be a certain way. Homosexuals, Transgenders , east Indians ( Don’t tell me you never thought about people from east India ,having flat noses and small eyes ,to be from China!) for that matter even burqa clad women. Not every male fashion designer has to be a homosexual , transgender to be a kidnapper, a burqa clad woman to be to conservative. Every person has choices. Lets give them that much of benefit, because we expect the same from others too.

                               The difference between
                                    a flower and a weed
                                              is a judgment.

                                                       ~ Author Unknown ~

                         

                                    So next time just think before you think too much!

Frustrated, Irritated , Agitated!

In spite of having a great last week, something keeps creeping up on me every time. Friends say that its just the way i am  looking at things  that is causing problems, but I believe things are really different when you really go through what i am!


REASON 1----
College! Even though "I'LL HAVE TO MAKE NEW FRIENDS" fever is kinda dead, cause my class is the same , college is a real chore. I never seem to like the initial days of college. They seriously suck! and after a nice time out of town, it actually feels boring to get back to 'study - sleep' routine since the good flushes of 
holiday-times keep hovering all over your head! I can't try to do math or study Quantum physics when fun memories of the past keep coming into my brains and get me carried away (i can't do any of these even when i am in a ' let's study ' mood, so doing these in such a high is next to impossible!). 




REASON 2----
"Construction Construction!!!"
After a hefty long time in college one at least tries to find peace at home.Sad.I am snatched from liberty of enjoying this facility.Ghrrrr...!voinggg...! dust dust and more of dust.Every nook and corner of the house is covered in pyramids of dust.It looks as if my house has just been discovered after a sand storm!.I mean where does one go if every room in the house has become a construction site. Sparing the toilet every room in my house,yes also the kitchen is being refurbished.I mean you don't expect me to be locked up in  my toilet all the time! yes one could use it if gets tooo much!!


REASON 3----
MA FAMILLE
Yes my family the great!! Root cause of all irritation! I love them but it gets a tad too much some times.Great Tales of Sibling Wrestling is well known in my family.All of us have been inheriting self-defence (For the wrong i must admit!) skills through ages.No argument in the house goes without at least one of us initializing a blow or a foul word. Every fight is a much more thrilling than the WWE wrestle.Nobody in the family is alike. We all come from different jungles in the amazon.We all have Egos, and all of us have self-righteousness values!


REASON 4----
I always tend to give too much importance to people who usually don't deserve even an inch of it.It gets painfully bad when the person you have been giving attention all along , thinks of you as if you never existed!?
People usually mistake the above written lines to be of some Romantic Endeavor of mine, but much to your dismay its not like that at all ! It can be that you miss your dear ones, friends staying far away from you, you text them daily, call them, but they never bother or care enough to show concern to the genuine efforts of love that you  have been showing. Its the worst brunt of all. You wait to see if they miss you as much as you miss them, but you get no response adding to your agitation as to why the hell??




Certain reasons cannot be enlisted due healthy purposes of the blog!! but  I hope it gives you a fair idea as to how i am managing and juggling all of this!
Till then hope the 'one out there' gives you strength and me too!!